I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
