Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
