Non-Jews are for practice
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
