I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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