i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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