Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize