I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
