If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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