I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
