her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
