Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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