they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I don't deserve a penis
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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