I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
