she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize