i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
