Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
