Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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