Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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