By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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