I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
