I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
