i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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