I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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