I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Green mimosas i think yes
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize