Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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