we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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