Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize