I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Panties = found
Randomize