so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
