Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
