if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
