My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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