We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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