I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
