You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I fill condoms, not promises.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
