i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
