I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
