i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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