I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
