so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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