I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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