new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
