Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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