Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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