I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
high people should be assigned attendants
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
