I faked an abortion last night.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
