im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
