The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
