She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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