Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
