hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
