We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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