i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
