I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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