Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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