Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
