You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
