i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize