i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
