I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
