I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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