I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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