I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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