ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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