I'm eating all of the evidence.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
