I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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