He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
