so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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