My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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