Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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