youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
