when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
