everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
