Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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