I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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