hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
