i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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